Wednesday, March 18, 2009

91 days and counting..........

I just wanted to let you know how disappointed I am in you as a father and a human being. It was very unfortunate what happened to us but even more unfortunate the emotional issues our 2 beautiful innocent kids are forced to deal with as a result. As each day passes and moreso after the mediation "attempt" I came to realize that you honestly do not care about our kids. You are only worried about one person, YOU. This is nothing more than a business deal to you, and you will do whatever it takes to reduce your "bottom line".You have went above and beyond any cost to take drastic measures to ensure that you do not pay anything above $800 for the support of your 2 kids. What you have done to your son is absurd and truly shows your ignorance to raising a child as you see absolutely nothing wrong with removing a 2 year old from ANY access to his mother and forcing him into cohabitation with a complete stranger. Imagine if you were 2 years old and your mother DIED, then how would you feel. Wouldn't you think the people that loved you will immediately seek counseling and such to ensure that you are ok. Is this not the same situation? My child has no memory, access, or relationship with me at this point. You changed his school, doctor, your residence, and refuse to even send me a picture of him. The more I think about your trifling and deceitful ways just to evade child support it truly sickens my stomach. If and I do mean IF you cared one ounce about your child then you would have NEVER EVER thought about taking the steps necessary to deliberately keep him away from his mother. You are mad at me, you dont love me, you cant stand me, but what does that have to do with me being a mother to my son?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Thanks


ok, so there is this guy-- "a friend". And yes he really is a friend, I just put it in quotes because I hate how that term is used so loosely. Back on track, that's not what this post is about. My relationship with this guy is very different than any other as we have known each other for years now but it wasnt until after my separation/divorce with my husband that we attempted to be more than friends. Needless to say, it did not work out as planned for several reasons. And a part of me used to question why?, why does God keep putting non-compatible men in my life? You know coming out of a divorce and having a former life-time partner attempting to rip you apart daily made me very vulnerable and longing for male companionship. So once I realized that I wasn't getting this from him, I flipped, I was upset, angry, and pissed at him because he was not the RIGHT person I needed at that time. And of course, I was not shy about letting him know this whenever I got that feeling. I have to commend him because throughout all of my ups and downs, he remained sensitive to my emotions meaning he didn't lash back out at me EVER. Instead, he continued to be a support system and inspirational voice I needed to keep me afloat. I cant take full credit for my sanity through all of this. God does not put or remove people in your life for no reason, he has a reason for everything and it may or may not agree with your intentions but you have to trust in God. I can honestly say that without my friend in my life then things may have been a lot differently for me and not in a good way. He has truly been a coping mechanism for me that I never thought possible. His words of encouragement, positivity, and Godly teaching has impacted me for a lifetime and truly allowed me to view life in a totally different way. I can not thank him enough for being the right person at the right time.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Misunderstood

I am so frustrated right now I think I see smoke coming out of my ears and two horns growing at the top of my head. I just dont understand why some people have to be so difficult and insanely bitter. Yes I am talking about that guy. If there is a such thing as a peaceful divorce then it's been hiding under a rock somewhere from me. First, let me say this I AM NOT BITTER. I miss him as a friend and I would like for my kids to have access to their father as needed but marriage was not what I needed it to be so I am at peace now that it's over. If someone has truly moved on with their life -- so cliche-- then why the need to continously dwell on the negatives of your past life. I just dont get it, every conversation I have with this guy "about the kids" he is rude, disrespectful and does his best to bring up old dirt. My main goal in life right now is to keep a smile on my kid's face NOT to keep a frown on my ex'es face. I will be very honest and say I am still NOT at the place in my post-life divorce where I can say ''ohh I'm happy for him or as long as he's happy I'm happy" -- bullsh*t! I dont care about his happiness, I dont wish him bad luck, like I would never want to see him physically hurt or in pain but seeing him happy definitely does not make me happy. I'm confused about all of this but I'm not miserable, sad or hurt about no longer being married to him, it's just that I believe that he could have been more honest with himself and me to save all of the heartache, pain, and financial woes that we have both been forced to deal with. I try to look at this situation as a life lesson when in reality getting a divorce and going through a child custody battle is not something that happens to you often so why do I need a lesson as if I should be well prepared the next time this occurs to me--?? This experience has taught me nothing in life but you will never truly know your soulmate, husband, life partner, dearly beloved, etc until the day all hell breaks loose and someone files for divorce ---and then it's too fucken late!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Mediation

My mediation is next week and I am starting to get nervous already and I dont know why. I have been longing for this day to come but this morning when I woke up and realized it was March, I started to get jitters. I am starting to have second thoughts about going through with the mediation just to avoid the butterflies in my stomach but I wont dare take the weak road and just simply agree to his "outside agreement". It's is 11 days away and I feel like this is going to be the fastest 11 days I have experienced. I just need to mentally prepare myself for the worse and I should be ok....right??

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I Rise

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?'
Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard'
Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

I absolutely LOVE this poem. I almost believe she made it just for me as if she knew that I would need to hear it and believe in it at some point in my lifetime. I have heard this poem performed a million times previously but NEVER has it touched me to make me cry, make me thankful or even make me feel relieved and stronger than I thought I could ever be. I dont even know where my strength, patience, and desire comes from, it's like a mystery. All I know is that the issues I have been forced to deal with in the past year is enough to put anyone in a mental hospital. Instead of allowing it to overcome me and feel sorry for myself I chose to keep pushing even HARDER just to show the naysayer that I am the BOMB, the PICK OF THE LITTER, a HIGH COMMODITY, the GREATEST, and BEST OF THE BEST!!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Sigh


I have so many thoughts, concerns, questions, issues, etc. going on in my mind right now. I am truly having a very difficult time dealing with the set of cards I have been dealt with in life. I am the type of person who has to plan things out, and prepare myself for every task. And this is imposible to do with a divorce and custody battle. Honestly, I believe this would be easier to deal with if I initiated or filed for the divorce before he did. Then I would have carefully planned my exit strategy but now I feel like I am in a room running in circles and he is holding the key for me to get out. I play spades very often and consider myself good at it so I use it as an analogy to get through this situation. My life right now is like a very bad hand-- one or two small spades, at least 3 cards in every suit, and no face cards. What do you do??-- play the game with the cards that you have or immediately quit and give up. Well Im not choosing to quit and give up but it doesnt mean that I am content or happy about the set of cards I was given. My attitude is that the dealer gave me a very bad set of cards so I will finish out this hand and just hope and pray that the next hand will be much much better because the game is not over.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Undefeated


I've always been excited about motherhood and all of it's exciting rewards. Nothing melts my heart more than to see my kids blushing with joy and excitement. I must admit there was a point throughout my metamorphis that I thought maybe I shouldnt have became a mother and that my life was ruined forever because of my new status- single mom. The thought of not having that extra set of hands to help out with the kids or that other person to take the kids away when they see you need a break was a hard pill to swallow because all I could think about was 'How"? How is it possible to do everything you want and need to do for your kids and still have time to keep yourself content. I have accepted my new role in God's eyes as I believe that he will never give you more than you can handle. Therefore if he thought I was too weak, or incapable of doing it all by myself then he would have planned things different for me. Single motherhood is a great challenge and I have always pride myself on overcoming challenges and I promise this one will be my greatest defeat of them all.

Funny

Dilbert.com

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

One Word

Answer all of the following questions using only one word:
1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Relationship? heartbreak
3. Your hair? black
4. Work? weatherford
5. Your sister? two
6. Your favorite thing? bed
7. Your dream last night? long
8. Your favorite drink? coke
9. Your dream car? lexus
10. The room you’re in? office
11. Your shoes? off
12. Your fears? unhappiness
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? happy
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? shombi
15. What you’re not good at? cleaning
16. Muffin? sister
17. One of your wish list items? Ipod
18. Where you grew up? Houston
19. The last thing you did? blogged
20. What are you wearing? black
21. What aren’t you wearing? shoes
22. Your pet? soon
23. Your computer? broke
24. Your life? uncontrollable
25. Your mood? lost
26. Missing? Kam
27. What are you thinking about right now? Kam
28. Your car? dirty
29. Your kitchen? maid
30. Your summer? excited
31. Your favorite color? purple
32. When is the last time you laughed? today
33. Last time you cried? saturday
34. School? cool
35. Love? why