Wednesday, March 18, 2009

91 days and counting..........

I just wanted to let you know how disappointed I am in you as a father and a human being. It was very unfortunate what happened to us but even more unfortunate the emotional issues our 2 beautiful innocent kids are forced to deal with as a result. As each day passes and moreso after the mediation "attempt" I came to realize that you honestly do not care about our kids. You are only worried about one person, YOU. This is nothing more than a business deal to you, and you will do whatever it takes to reduce your "bottom line".You have went above and beyond any cost to take drastic measures to ensure that you do not pay anything above $800 for the support of your 2 kids. What you have done to your son is absurd and truly shows your ignorance to raising a child as you see absolutely nothing wrong with removing a 2 year old from ANY access to his mother and forcing him into cohabitation with a complete stranger. Imagine if you were 2 years old and your mother DIED, then how would you feel. Wouldn't you think the people that loved you will immediately seek counseling and such to ensure that you are ok. Is this not the same situation? My child has no memory, access, or relationship with me at this point. You changed his school, doctor, your residence, and refuse to even send me a picture of him. The more I think about your trifling and deceitful ways just to evade child support it truly sickens my stomach. If and I do mean IF you cared one ounce about your child then you would have NEVER EVER thought about taking the steps necessary to deliberately keep him away from his mother. You are mad at me, you dont love me, you cant stand me, but what does that have to do with me being a mother to my son?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Thanks


ok, so there is this guy-- "a friend". And yes he really is a friend, I just put it in quotes because I hate how that term is used so loosely. Back on track, that's not what this post is about. My relationship with this guy is very different than any other as we have known each other for years now but it wasnt until after my separation/divorce with my husband that we attempted to be more than friends. Needless to say, it did not work out as planned for several reasons. And a part of me used to question why?, why does God keep putting non-compatible men in my life? You know coming out of a divorce and having a former life-time partner attempting to rip you apart daily made me very vulnerable and longing for male companionship. So once I realized that I wasn't getting this from him, I flipped, I was upset, angry, and pissed at him because he was not the RIGHT person I needed at that time. And of course, I was not shy about letting him know this whenever I got that feeling. I have to commend him because throughout all of my ups and downs, he remained sensitive to my emotions meaning he didn't lash back out at me EVER. Instead, he continued to be a support system and inspirational voice I needed to keep me afloat. I cant take full credit for my sanity through all of this. God does not put or remove people in your life for no reason, he has a reason for everything and it may or may not agree with your intentions but you have to trust in God. I can honestly say that without my friend in my life then things may have been a lot differently for me and not in a good way. He has truly been a coping mechanism for me that I never thought possible. His words of encouragement, positivity, and Godly teaching has impacted me for a lifetime and truly allowed me to view life in a totally different way. I can not thank him enough for being the right person at the right time.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Misunderstood

I am so frustrated right now I think I see smoke coming out of my ears and two horns growing at the top of my head. I just dont understand why some people have to be so difficult and insanely bitter. Yes I am talking about that guy. If there is a such thing as a peaceful divorce then it's been hiding under a rock somewhere from me. First, let me say this I AM NOT BITTER. I miss him as a friend and I would like for my kids to have access to their father as needed but marriage was not what I needed it to be so I am at peace now that it's over. If someone has truly moved on with their life -- so cliche-- then why the need to continously dwell on the negatives of your past life. I just dont get it, every conversation I have with this guy "about the kids" he is rude, disrespectful and does his best to bring up old dirt. My main goal in life right now is to keep a smile on my kid's face NOT to keep a frown on my ex'es face. I will be very honest and say I am still NOT at the place in my post-life divorce where I can say ''ohh I'm happy for him or as long as he's happy I'm happy" -- bullsh*t! I dont care about his happiness, I dont wish him bad luck, like I would never want to see him physically hurt or in pain but seeing him happy definitely does not make me happy. I'm confused about all of this but I'm not miserable, sad or hurt about no longer being married to him, it's just that I believe that he could have been more honest with himself and me to save all of the heartache, pain, and financial woes that we have both been forced to deal with. I try to look at this situation as a life lesson when in reality getting a divorce and going through a child custody battle is not something that happens to you often so why do I need a lesson as if I should be well prepared the next time this occurs to me--?? This experience has taught me nothing in life but you will never truly know your soulmate, husband, life partner, dearly beloved, etc until the day all hell breaks loose and someone files for divorce ---and then it's too fucken late!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Mediation

My mediation is next week and I am starting to get nervous already and I dont know why. I have been longing for this day to come but this morning when I woke up and realized it was March, I started to get jitters. I am starting to have second thoughts about going through with the mediation just to avoid the butterflies in my stomach but I wont dare take the weak road and just simply agree to his "outside agreement". It's is 11 days away and I feel like this is going to be the fastest 11 days I have experienced. I just need to mentally prepare myself for the worse and I should be ok....right??