Thursday, June 7, 2012

Shall We Be Honest

I have so much on my mind that it is starting to force me in a state of subconsciousness  I cant afford to be in right now, so here I am. I reviewed my blog a few weeks ago just to take a trip down memory lane and to my surprise I still feel the exact same way I did 3+ years ago, the irony! The only thing that was keeping me afloat and giving me momentum was good ole Father Time. The very notion that "time heals all wounds" was my motivation to overlook the disparities and heartache. Well I can attest that time has done nothing for me but gave me the realization that everyone will not have a happy ending, someone has to be hurt, someone has to not only go through the fire but stay in the fire, someone has to carry the burden, and that someone has been ME for the last 5 years..... and counting. I'm not being negative or overlooking the promising areas of my life but it is time I be a realist and see things for what they really are, tragic. 
Welcome to the Tragedy of Ms. Insert First Name, Insert Last Name.
Nothing new or different has occurred since I last blogged, I"m still a divorced single mother of 2 struggling to find a purpose in this madhouse we call life. I am very thankful for the small miracles in life, like my health, kids,  family, a job, etc. but sometimes I sit back and think why cant I have the larger miracles in life like everyone else, just plain old H.A.P.P.I.N.E.S.S. 
Is it asking too much to wake up in the morning thrilled and excited about the day ahead and not wake up dreading another long hectic day of being mom and dad, chauffeur, chef, maid, hair stylist, mediator, and counselor, all while putting in 8 hours of work and attempting to sneak in a little "me" time? Hmm, maybe it is asking too much.
I've been doing my best to get through such turmoil without the co dependence of anti-depressants or sitting on a couch talking to a "professional" who probably has more problems than me but something has got to give. There are days when I just want to give up and leave it all in the hands of my creator but it is my unselfishness that keeps me here suffering day after day after day. I could never do such thing to my loved ones, especially my precious babies, their heartbeat and the smiles on their face gives me that extra kick I need to leave all of my worries for the moment and do my best to just enjoy the right now.
I'm starting to hate the person I've become morally, the decisions I make out of desperation and loneliness puts me in a dark place at the very bottom. I don't want to be that person, I never imagined I would be that person but when the forces of nature are against you then what do you do, "damned if you do and damned if you don't". To sum up this post because me pouring out my most inner thoughts will get me nowhere but earning a lifetime membership into the foolish club, Life.Is.Hard. point blank period

I don't know what the future holds, but all I know is that I am tired, tired of crying, hoping, wishing, praying, and waiting. 

 "Weeping May Endure for a Night, But Joy Comes in the Morning" - Psalms 30:5

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